The Art of Apologizing

The best performing teams are characterized by psychological safety. An honest apology fora mistake can play a big part to create a psychologically safe space. It repairs a relationshipand can transform the way teams work. A proper apology is not just right from arelationship point of view. It also makes business sense.

We all make mistakes for which an apology will be in order. In a professional contextthose mistakes can take many forms. Missing deadlines, forgetting a colleague’srequest, showing little patience for new colleagues, going on our own ego trip all theway to toxic backstabbing and scheming.

Seizing the Opportunity

When such offences occur, they present a unique opportunity to set things right and tochange the dynamics of a relationship and even entire teams. There is, however, a rightway and a wrong way to apologize. In order to get it right, consider the right timing,expressing regret, explaining, an acknowledgment of responsibility, repentance, asuggestion for repairing the situation and forgiveness.

According to Roy Lewicki of Ohio State University, some of these factors are moreimportant than others. For example, acknowledging responsibility is the mostimportant one, followed by an offer to repair the situation.

Justin Bieber Shows How Not to Do It

To illustrate, I will do something I thought I’d never do — ask people to listen to theJustin Bieber song “Sorry”. Musical tastes aside, the song teaches us a lot about whatnot to do when apologizing. For example, consider the line “Yeah, is it too late now to say sorry?”

The question whether it is too late to apologize confronts us with the first mistake wecan make when we offended someone else — wait too long to say sorry. What kept usfrom apologizing in a timely manner? For example, are we apologizing late because itwas only now that we were found out? Did we wait, fingers crossed hoping theoffended party would forget or ignore the offence? If we delay the apology we mayundermine it from the get go as it can come across as an afterthought or chore. A lateapology can send the signal you are simply going through the motions but not becauseit is a priority for you.

Offence? What Offence?

How does Mr. Bieber’s song show regret? Unless it was penned for a privateperformance in person, going up on stage (or a business meeting to use a corporateexample) and making a show of it may suggest your apology is designed more toimpress a crowd than to address the offence.

Herein lies the next problem of this musical apology. What exactly is the offence? Ifthat song is supposed to resemble an apology it has very little to say for what and howthe recipient of the apology was wronged. The listener (“Belieber” or not) has to acceptvague hints at repeated mistakes.

What Is below the Surface of the Apology?

Also, the recurring theme of “Cause I'm missing more than just your body,” says a lotabout some of Mr. Bieber’s true motives.

First, we have no explanation of what exactly went wrong. Second, we do not learnwhat Mr. Bieber is missing beyond a body. This is a “me, myself and I” apology. In fact,the lyrics to the entire song run over 338 words. The word “I” occurs 46 times, “we”once and “you” 17 times. That means 15% of the apology’s wordcount is about theoffender compared to 5% which acknowledge the “you”.

Je Regrette Rien

Where the song utterly false short of a proper apology is the author’s dance aroundresponsibility. The song even starts out accusing the offended person of getting ”angryat all [his] honesty.” Way to start an apology. Mr. Bieber still offers to “take every singlepiece of the blame” but only if the offended party wants him to. Does he imply he won’tif not required? To top it all up he continues to say, “there is no innocent one in thisgame for two”. So, he is if anything only partially responsible after all. At least, thisseems to suggest the other party should think about admitting to some responsibility,too.

A Questionable Suggestion for a Solution

Mr. Bieber’s suggestion for repairing the damage done appears a little dodgy of notself-serving as well. He does offer to repair the situation when he says, “So let me, ohlet me redeem, oh redeem, oh myself tonight.” Call me a dirty old man, but am I wrongin surmising this will involve sex? He is missing the body after all. Additionally, there islittle clarity around how the implied make-up sex will repair anything. Further, I doubt there is anything sacrificial about this idea.

In the end, the quality of this apology can be summarized by what Mr. Bieber has to sayright at the beginning of the song. “I don’t do too well with apologies.” No kidding.

Composing an Honest and Effective Apology

So, if I were to put myself into Mr. Bieber’s shoes — indulge me — how would I have phrased an apology? First let’s assume a concrete offense. Since this is a business coaching blog, let’s not go with a lover’s tiff but create an office scenario: At a team meeting, the team leader yells at a junior staff for making a mistake that caused a delayin the project.

Since timing is important, if possible approach the staff the same day. If your anger wasjustified perhaps wait a little to cool off. The best way is not to beat about the bush, butwe often start such sentences with “I wanted to apologize.” Well, if you want to thenjust do and say, “I apologize for expressing my frustration about the delay by yelling atyou in front of everybody.” This is a clear expression of regret and it already includes alittle explanation because the offender was frustrated.

Be Specific about What You Apologize for

It is OK to provide a little more context to explain as long as it doesn’t turn into anattempt to find an excuse. For example, the offender could elaborate and say thereason for the frustration was that it caused stress and potentially impacted the budgetfor the project.

You can continue by ensuring you are not excusing your outburst. You should havehandled this differently, possibly in a short one on one meeting. However, you makeclear are sorry for your behavior — not the fact that in this scenario your anger mayhave been perfectly justified.

Keep the Objective in Mind

In order to rectify this situation, you could offer to figure out a way to get the projectback on track with the junior staff. This could involve a quick follow up discussion withthe team. You could even use this follow up meeting to explain that your outburst wasnot the right way to handle this. A better way is to now figure out a solution as a team.

Here is the interesting bit. As a leader you can further use this to learn more about howthat mistake occurred in the first place. Perhaps there are some structural issues.However, if the junior staff is solely responsible for that mistake, your apology does notabsolve that person from his/her accountability. That can be reflected in the nextperformance review session.

The strength and performance of teams depends on how safe people feel in thoseteams. Apologizing goes a long way to create such a psychologically safe space. Doneright it can lead to a transformation and change behavior. It shows the relationship isimportant to you. Not in a touchy-feely way but for the sake of the team.